feeling Horrid.

not a good day despite the absence of me blogging.

Lady red is a non-good mood.

lets just say all men should fear her. so i'm giving her some time to herself.

i hate it cause it's around the same time all my friends are feeling shitty today.

i have really no point right now in existing.

cut myself again today.

don't really feel even good with my classwork today/

did some of it, but still feel shitty.

don't really know what i should do.

no money, no place of my own, and everybody is pissed.

i guess i have a right to feel death again.

don't even know anymore.

can only hope tonight or tomorrow it gets better.

i don't even really know.

*KG*

Priorities and family.

Had a mild thanksgiving. 

surprisingly my father came over to join us,

no big occurred til later,

but nothing life threatening. 

should be no surprise.

fortunately Lady Red Came to my aid via phone.

I Love her so.

she explained to me that sometimes things are not what they are meant to be.

meaning that the past 25 years my parents were together sometimes was not always destined to be.

it hurts to see it end this way, but she's right.

in any case i should be fortunate it was not as threatening like other families.

but alot of my friends apparently know the feeling i'm going through.

Lady Red is supposedly "recovered" from her 10 Hour Black Friday shift, so i was not able to talk to her long Friday.
plus she woke up with drama at her home.

it's times like this i wish i could live closer to her.

i want to shield her from all that pain.

in good news she is starting her new diet tomorrow.

i'm praying she gets to her ideal weight.

although i tell her she's beautiful as is.

as a man i have to respect her wishes. 

but if she took my opinion i wouldn't change a thing.

she's a true definition of beauty i tell you.

Oh Well at least she loves me and she understands how much i love her.

that's what matters right now.

Will talk to her Saturday while working on my class work.

Watching anime late tonight while sleeping 

didn't get enough sleep due to me being in #Vampire-mode Last night.

heh.

*KG*

Cleaning.

was feeling somewhat down for the past few days til today. various reasons:

1.) my situations in my classes are slipping and i'm afraid of what may happen to me on grades for my classes.

2.) the financial problems at home are building up and i'm sure if it will be possible to go to japan.

3.) as i had mentioned before, me and Lady Red are taking a "break" in our relationship to get our minds straight. it's harder on her due to the fact her on/off ex boyfriend is still trying to be connected to her.

im not going to lie, it's hard to not be loving, but it's for the best.

it will be wierd if we meet at ohayocon though, i just have to wait and see.

also got a call from my ex, who i will code named, "Medusa" in which she is still trying to pull me back to her like lady red's ex is. but i won't go back to Medusa.

i hate it. no lie.

but i have to resist temptation of Lady Red, despite I read the smut she made for me and visioning her when i'm in a pleasurable mood. I have to stop these urges.

it's what i NEED to do, Not Just For Her, BUT FOR ME.

but i know someway me and Lady red will return to our infatuation.

just have to be slow in it.

at first didn't want to go to ohayocon because of it, but i realized it would be stupid to not go because of a temporary hold on a relationship. and LADY RED Will NEVER forgive me for it.

had a SMALL suicide thought at first as well, but i also realize that i would be no different than some people who commit suicide cause of a breakup. and LADY RED would hate me forever for that.

so i will try to focus on my work and helping my family. and for the moment i will pray that an opportunity arises for me and Lady red to make our relationship rekindle again. i'm praying hard. 

and i know she is too.

gonna finish my composition work tonight. got lots of schoolwork to do before thanksgiving break.

*KG*

.....

No Blogging for a while.

Dealing with personal problems.

along with The Fact of me and Lady Red "Taking a Break"

Just need Privacy.

*KG*

Attentions (written at 10PM)

*sigh*

I feel horrible tonight.

lady red is depressed, and i couldn't even try to bring her out of her sadness.

it's times like this i hate that we are far apart.

i hate the fact she's feeling like this, cause when she is, i feel like shit. like i'm useless.

i mean she's everything to me.

and now all of this sadness she's now feeling, is beacuse of all the drama at her house.

i just want to free her from this. all of it.

if i had the money like before i would damn sure as hell do it.

but not even my family members understand.

i hate this.

i hope she knows that i still love her with all my heart and that my love will never change.

i want her here with me.

i want to be there with her 

RIGHT FUCKING NOW.

i want to hold her tightly in my arms, never let her go and let her pour her tears out of frustration and dispair.

i want her to tell me why she feels horrid.

why she feels like she's nothing to exist.

so i can tell her its all not true.

that she has a reason to exist.

she told me last night that i should give up on her.

FUCK NO.

if only she realized that she has been the happiest thing to make me feel for the last 25 years.

THE ONLY THING.

i cried tonight and couldn't eat or barely sleep because i was worried bout her.

how i feel right now?

Fuck going to Japan.

Fuck My MUSIC Career.

Fuck Everything else in my life.

I would gladly give that all up for her, even though she doesn't want me too.

she will be upset i said these things, but she knowthat's how much i love her,

and that is the honest truth and promise.

if anybody out there in the sky can hear me, 

please take my dreams away and use them to make her happy again?

that is all that i ask for.

taht is all that i wish for.

that i what i DREAM For.

all of my other dreams i could care less for,

i want her to smile again.

and if you read this Lady red,

i FUCKING LOVE YOU.

I WILL STILL LOVE YOU.

AND I WILL CONTINUE TO LOVE YOU.

i don't care about anything else in my life but you.

so please smile and be happy for me again.

*KG*

Temptation.

Last night i had a very tempting experience.

i had a very intimate conversation With Lady Red.

She had told me apparently that her feelings for me are growing more and more now.

to the point she is having deep sexual fantasies of us.

i'm glad to know i'm not alone.

i felt the same way, but as the last gentlemen in this world i felt i should respect her more by not telling her, until now. 

the fact of her slender ivory body overlapping mine, her soft skin touching me, her light scent i can imagine, her breaths very short, and my arms around her slender curves making her moan passionately.

my hands gently touching her back, looking into each others' eyes intimately.

She Told me a dream of us passionately making love in a anime convention. 

i told her of us making love and having breakfast sexually afterwards the morning after.

i truly love her.

while other men may have damaged her, dinged her like some kind of car, i treat her like a expensive statue, to be admired by others who wonder, "what is the true definition of beauty?'

i tell them, "look at My Lady Red."

by the time i write this she probably is working, having a hard time working while day dreaming of our passion.

and i'm in school trying to contain my passion of daydreaming of her beauty.

i won't lie, i want to give her everything she wants and deserves.

i want this to happen.

in January we are to finally meet.

January can not come soon enough.

it's November.

i hate waiting like this.

but i will manage cause i can't lose my contact of her.

hence why i'm willing to sacrifice whatever it takes to have her with me.

that night she told me the day she had dreams of me as she pleasured herself while taking a shower.

crazy enough, i did the same thing. i don't really masturbate due to my lack of self esteem, but she made that change in me, made me more confident. 

She says when she thinks of me it gets her hot and sweaty.

i tell her when i think of her i get hot sweaty.

No Lie, I Want her. SO BAD, THAT I MAY THINK ABOUT MOVING OVER TO WHERE SHE LIVES.

maybe taking a cold shower after this.

we are to talk later tonight.

she said we may have phone sex one day.

I WELCOME IT.

*KG*

Affection for Affliction.

I realize me and Lady Red Loves self Pain.

i say this with so much seriousness.

she told me she sometimes uses pain to shield her hunger.

i want tell her that i use it the shield my depression.

for some reason the feeling of a cold metal needle pressing upon my wrists feels so right.

i can see why we both are good for each other.

i started to do it when i was 16. a grim age when in high scheool i was dealing with alot of peer pressure,

not being able to make friends,i used it as therapy, even we i was actually seening a therapist.

then my parents realized it and taken all the needles away from me.

i still do it time to time, not as much caus of her. but there are times now since my parents divorce i have

relapse into doing it again.

I used it actually last night when my lady red scared me when she had an health scare.

she should be sleeping by the time i write this. 

But Since then we both talked about other things.

i have Not Told her this, but she will know soon.

ate light than usual.

she might be mad at me.

i hope she knows i tried. but i love her.

had only a small bowl of beef stir fry

(and when i say small i mean a size of a coffee cup)

and a glass of water.

been doing like my dad and eating gum as a food supplement due to money problems.

in any case


i have now been able to use piercings as an outlet to help sheild the addiction. my snakebites i adore, and so

does lady red.


with that in mind i will DEFINATLY keep them.

planning on getting many more, for myself and for her.

maybe even together.

Lady Red Got a tattoo today.

i love it and yet i want another like she does.

i find it wierd that i'm like this now.

haven't had sex in reality, but would like to.

want to have the feeling of her digging her nails in my back

and me holding her so tight she could barely breathe.

"make me suffocate" as she may say.

She loves the pain of hunger.

i love the pain regardless, even if it's for her.

gonna grab a safety pin to keep with for you know what.

 got class tomorrow.

maybe the blood will  mix with acrylic.

like a mosaic of suicide.

it's horrible, and yet i love it.

*KG*